When I started this blog the title referred to me learning about life postpartum as a mom...today it means something totally different.
Today. Today it means something totally different. Today, it is the opposite of all the joyful reasons I began this blog. Today, it refers to me, a mom who lost my mom.
Every time I talk or write about "it," I find myself not able to say the word...I always say something like "when we lost mom" or "she passed" but the reality is...the reality is that I made it just that far before I balled my eyes out. The reality is that I just tried and I couldn't write it.
So, let me try this another way. This post is about my grief, it's about how tired I am of being sad, it's about how the thought of how tired I am of being sad just makes me cry more (like now). I am just hoping that trying to dump out everything in my brain might just make room for healing.
On August 12th at 7:30PM I got a text that Mom was on her way to the hospital via Ambulance. She never left.
That night, somehow, in hindsight I think she "knew." It was the first time I think she was scared...she couldn't breathe and I now know that she begged dad not to let her die. I can only begin to imagine how scared he was, too. I didn't go home until midnight, there were no answers as to what was wrong, but they'd stabilized her and decided to admit her. I left only because she told me to, "you have work tomorrow, and the babies (that's what she called the kids) need you at home." So, I listened to my mom and I went home. I can't remember the ride home, but I remember crawling in the bed that night worrying about my mom. I somehow knew that despite all other trips to the hospital, this one was different and I needed to find a way to be back the next day and as much as possible until she came home.
You cannot imagine the thoughts that go through your head when you begin to think you are going to loose a parent. I wanted to ask her questions...but I didn't want her to think I thought she was going to - there it is, that word I can't say. I thought of a million things to say and nothing to say...I though about even more things I wanted to discuss but I couldn't find words to say them that sounded right. I finally blurted out how sorry I was if I was a shit to raise. I told her I loved her more than I have in a while and with more sincerity...the sincerity I should have been using all along.
